As summer approaches, I've started really thinking about what my role is going to be at camp this year. I have been reading S'More Than Camp, by Scott Arizala, to get me in the right mindset. A lot of what he's been talking about has been "getting down to the campers level", physically, mentally, emotionally, and basically any other way possible. Of course, when I think of this, the first thing that comes to my mind is physically bending down to chat with campers. One of my favorite mental images of this is of one of the counselors I worked with last summer, who was 6'7". He basically had to lay on the ground to get on eye level.
A big part of getting on the level of my campers has always been trying to empathize with them. This is why I've always said I prefer older campers. I can totally understand the challenges that pre-teens and teenagers face. Don't like your body today? I've been there. Have a crush on someone who doesn't reciprocate? Oh, I so get that. Had an argument with your parents? I understand more that I can say.
I like to write in journals, and I love re-reading them. In a lot of ways, it helps me remember what it felt like to be 12, 15, 18, etc. I tend to think of myself as a fairly well-adjusted person, but it's important for me to remember that there were times I thought my problems were going to swallow me alive. It helps me remember that the thing I hated the most was when adults minimized my problems. Some of the phrases I specifically quoted in my journal as being particularly abhorrent are listed as follows:
- "Things seem like a bigger deal than they really are at your age"
- "It'll get better with time"
- "You don't even have real problems yet, just enjoy being young"
- "Ignore it/them/him/her, it'll stop"
- "I've been there/I understand/I know exactly how you feel"
That last one may seem sort of contradictory. Aren't I writing this blog on understanding how they feel? Yes. And part of that is understanding that at times, it feels like you are the only one who has ever felt this way. And it doesn't help to be told that your not, at least it didn't for me.
So how does empathy actually work? What can you say to show that you care, without assuming or brushing over some very real and powerful emotions?
The first strategy that has worked for me is simply to listen. Sometimes, they just need to say it and get it off their chest. I'm still like this. I don't always need advice, I sometimes just need to know that someone else knows I'm going through something.
Acknowledge that this is challenging for them. The first way to do this is to appreciate that it was likely hard for them to share it with you. Thank them for being honest and trusting you. Tell them that this situation sounds hard/challenging/upsetting/whatever they are feeling.
Don't pretend to know all of the answers. One of my favorite phrases is "I wish I knew the magic words to solve this for you". If it seems like they're looking to you for advice, suggest potential ideas to try, and acknowledge that they may not work, or at least not right away.
At camp this part can be hard, but try to really give them the time they need to feel like they were listened to and acknowledged. Sometimes this means you really have to make that space for them, but if a camper is coming forward to you with something, it's important you continue to earn their trust by actually hearing them.
When it's done, ask if they feel like your talk helped. They may say no, and that's okay. Sometimes it's not about helping, it's about finally getting the problem out of their head and sharing it. Remind them how much you appreciate their trust, and that you hope they'll keep coming to you if they need to talk again.
*A note about mandated reporting; if a camper begins to tell you about a situation which you feel will need to be reported, make sure you are not deceiving them. Don't promise to keep anything a secret, and don't ask questions that give them an answer. Let them tell you what they have to say and then follow your camps procedure for reporting.
Remembering how it felt to be at one age won't give you all the answers. What it will give you is the chance to connect with a camper, and maybe help a difficult situation.
I'm looking forward to this summer, and I so hope you are too!
Samantha
